Realization...with a little truth...

At first I thought perhaps my theory of hyper empathy was mistaken and assumed that perhaps it was a case of my being self absorbed. Having looked upped what it means to be “self absorbed” I now realize it's not that and that the hyper-empathy is correct. “Triggers” set of an unbearable wave of pain and the emotion wells up in my chest and I fight with all my strength to hold back bursting out in tears and just letting it all out. On one hand, perhaps it would be beneficial to let it out, but on the other, one can't live like that. I also think this combines with the “world is too much with me”. Having no belief in an “outer” power greater than myself makes one fear life and hence push away the pain—the problem is that you end up pushing away all the joy as well. I also, now realize, from my reading, that my hyper empathy cost me myself in my marriage and hence, became “no one”. Post divorce I've slowly gotten myself back—including my anger—or my intolerance for stupid politics, idiocy, and selfishness.

Thus, the result of years of pushing away all the pain is that I have built massive walls to the outside. I also realize that I'm happy with my integrity and refusal to “play the game” or “just take a paycheck” or even put my career above the job. I believe you do a job and you do it the best you can to fulfill the purpose of that job...or don't do it at all. But, I have realized that my anger in the face of all this, while may keep me “honest”, it isn't giving my any satisfaction. So, while I maintain my view, perhaps I can try another...approach that achieves the same result but gives some satisfaction—in essence, create your own game within the game and play by your own rules.

Watching Joseph Campbell's Power of Myth again has both reminded me of some things as well as shown me some others I'd not understood the first time around. When you grow up in a Westernized religion, you become indoctrinated to “postpone” this life for a better one after you die. But when you don't believe in an afterlife there is only this one and we should “wallow” in the joy of it.

But what about the evil? You don't ignore it but you do accept it as being a part of the whole. Joy without pain is like spring without winter. To be alive is to risk the pain, to accept that it exists and realize that it is part and parcel of the entire circle. This doesn't mean you just let it ride...you do what you can to help, minimize, “fix” in whatever fashion one is capable. But to deny it, hide from it, build walls from it, wish it way or...even worse, believe things will be better when you die...is to not truly live. And to not truly live is not worth the sacrifice or cost of saving yourself from the pain. Pain is a part of who we really are just as much as joy is—to deny it is to deny ourselves.