Past, Present and Future (memory)

Some people live for tomorrow. Some live in the past. Some live here and now. This is mostly about memory but there are a few tie-ins around school that I'll write in another post.

I don't know how most people's memories work. There's a biological aspect to how our brains processes memories and, I think, where our tendency to "live" (past, present, future) comes from. Whether there is an inherent gene or if the brain synapses are formed this way due to the environment, I don't know, but this is beyond the scope of this entry.

I have found myself forever stuck in the present. My mind does not naturally plan or look into the future (though I have been guilty of procrastinating parts of my life under the guise that things will be "better tomorrow"). When my mind drifts back, it tends to go to the elementary years not the high school years (see future school entry).

When a memory enters my mind I can't seem to bring a visual of it only the idea of the memory. Even memories from several months ago fall victim to this "failure to load". The consequence of this is that past events seem like they never really happened. If we were to use the analogy of water under the bridge, my memory is the water which has swept out to sea and left me on the bridge seemingly gone for good. Which means days like when I got married, the birth of my son, all seem so vague and far away, as if they belong to someone else.

My memory is more like bytes on a hard drive than a file cabinet full of pictures and movies. As if I can only recall in text not images.

It's the difference between this:



And this:
"It's night, there's a big fountain with tall buildings in the background."

I would like to recall in images not in text but it appears my entire thought process only works in text. Which is odd because I don't dream in text, I dream in very vivid color images with Dolby Surround Sound. Of course, then it all just becomes text as I try to capture the images and feelings in a journal when I wake up.

All this makes Visualization very difficult.

On top of all this, I can't really seem to recall anything. I'm not forgetful, I don't have a "bad memory" (though, the older I get...). I mean, I know my son was born, I know I was there, I recall the incident but...My family will talk about things that happened when we were kids and I'll have no recollection, as if the memory has been wiped, or never happened. Or wasn't important enough to register, yet we all know that everything, even things we don't consciously notice, get filed in our brain. So, it's more like the bytes on the hard drive have become corrupt and cannot be accessed or the "ties", the "line" to the memory has been severed or withered and died.

It's all very odd and in the end leaves me with the here and now. But, of course, isn't that all we really have?