The Lake

        Turtles on a log in the sun.  The rooted path covered in slippery trampled pine needles.  When he came out of the woods onto the tarmac lake trail he noticed a baby’s pacifier lying on the side of the path. Debating to pick it up or leave it, he moved on, leaving it in case the owner’s mother returned to this spot.

The bend in the trail lipped around a small ravine that sloped down to the lake’s edge.  Stopping to appreciate the sun kaleidascope-ing through the trees, he noticed something odd down by the water.  He took a few steps off the tarmac towards the lake.  It was a baby carriage. He looked around as he started down the slope, sliding on the lifeless bodies of last year’s foliage.

It’s like I didn’t know what I was looking at and by the time my brain comprehended what my eyes took in, I stumbled backwards, turned and fell into the mud at the edge of the water.  I turned to look back up the slope of the ravine, my head sweaty and swimming.  An old Asian couple out for a morning walk had stopped and where looking down.  A kid with a fishing pole appeared on the opposite bank of this narrow stretch of lake and called over to see if I was okay.  I yelled to him to call the cops and then vomited.

To the Winds His Son

I wade into the surf up to my chest, the occasional wave slapping and spraying my face.  I pour the ashes over my head letting them slide down my back and face, off my shoulders, onto my arms, into the water; some carried away on the breeze.  The empty bronze urn splashing into the sea.  My son.  I reach into the mound in my hair, grab two handfuls and angrily smear them into my face; tears and sea turning it into a paste, spilling into my mouth, wanting to absorb every last bit of Conor into my body.  My son...my son...

Summit

At the intersection of two roads in the woods I spent the day making love with a woman. As I got on my motorcycle to leave she came out and told me to go straight through the intersection, stay to the right, then continue straight, merge and just keep going.  I drove the road as she said and time seemed to pass like in a movie and I wrote on a board what the road was like with words and drawings.  There was a very straight stretch of the road where the narrative seemed to indicate something important happened to my family in the 1930s.

The road became dirt; narrow with slight hills and shrubs on each side.  It was the only stretch not paved and seemed to mean something and instead of a pencil mark  on the board to indicate the road, I could see the road as if I were on it.  The road rose steeply, higher than any I’d known, and the slope became paved with something other than asphalt.  The summit was very, very high where a lone house sat; a house that had been there forever.  The road plummeted down just as steeply as it had risen.  Nothing was to be seen around in any direction, just the sun which appeared at the same height as the summit.

At the core, he had a conservative nature, but his desires were constantly at odds with it. This is why he could sit and stare for ours without a clue as to what to do with himself. He didn’t believe in anything, he knew he had to, he knew everyone needed a god but he couldn’t seem to find his. Not art. Not religion. Not money, ambition, power (as a matter of fact, he distrusted power in any form). For a while he believed in love, yet here he was, twice divorced. Perhaps Love was a demi-god, without enough power to hold him. And despite the sheer enjoyment of exploring every inch of a woman’s body, he knew sex wasn’t it. He was beginning to think that perhaps Failure or Loss were the stronger gods. He was forty-eight. Not old, not young. But he had, what, maybe fifteen more really good years before some organ began to give him trouble. Even now, as he stares at the screen, he has no idea where to take this paragraph. It will become like so many others, another promising start, like a road whose pavement just ends in the middle of a field--no where to go, not even room enough to turn around.

Steve Jobs

Steve Jobs passed away yesterday.
I thought when Apple announced the iPhone 4S, the "S" might have stood for "speed" due to the new A5 chip.
Then perhaps it was meant to mean "Siri" since the new phone was the only version with Siri on it.
Now I know, the iPhone 4S is really the iPhone 4S(teve).

iPhone 4S: Siri

Apple announced the new iPhone 4S with Siri Personal Assistant. I've read many things stating how cool the tech is but also how few people will use it. Many stating they felt wierd talking to their phone. Most agreed it would be helpful in the car while driving but beyond that...

Well, all I can say is:
Remember that scene in Star Trek IV where Scotty is trying to sell the formula for transparent steel? He tries talking to the computer and keeps getting no answer when finally the company owner hands him the keyboard and Scotty says: "A keyboard. How quaint."

Remember that.

On Software Patents

Lots of people chiming in on software patents--even Marc Cuban (like Bill Gates, Michael Dell, soon to be shown to also be: Mark Zuckerberg--all lucky one hit wonders who everyone seems to think now have valid opinions on everything else--it's laughable).
Software patents should not be outright abandoned--sure there are stupid things that end up being patented but there are plenty of ideas that should be patented--and why not? A company puts money and time into developing a great idea, why shouldn't they benefit from it? The problem with patents is that they last--software patents (and probably others) should fall under the same rules as new pharmaceutical drugs--a company gets a patent on it for only so many years and then anyone can make their own version of that drug.  This gives the company time to recoup investment and make a profit and then gives consumers choice and price breaks.  Make software patents the same way--just not as long--maybe 1 year after it's granted--this gives the inventor time to take advantage of their work but then allows competition to flourish as well.  Without the patents what incentive is there for a pharma company to develop new costly drugs?  Same for software, if companies like Apple do the work shouldn't they have the right to some benefit before other companies like Google just come along and copy it and never do any of their own work?
(oh and that stupid comment from Cuban that patents kill jobs--is just that, stupid, just like not calling for taxes on the wealthy and calling them "job creators"--if that were true--where the hell are all the jobs? It's a rich person's bullshit argument)

Realization...with a little truth...

At first I thought perhaps my theory of hyper empathy was mistaken and assumed that perhaps it was a case of my being self absorbed. Having looked upped what it means to be “self absorbed” I now realize it's not that and that the hyper-empathy is correct. “Triggers” set of an unbearable wave of pain and the emotion wells up in my chest and I fight with all my strength to hold back bursting out in tears and just letting it all out. On one hand, perhaps it would be beneficial to let it out, but on the other, one can't live like that. I also think this combines with the “world is too much with me”. Having no belief in an “outer” power greater than myself makes one fear life and hence push away the pain—the problem is that you end up pushing away all the joy as well. I also, now realize, from my reading, that my hyper empathy cost me myself in my marriage and hence, became “no one”. Post divorce I've slowly gotten myself back—including my anger—or my intolerance for stupid politics, idiocy, and selfishness.

Thus, the result of years of pushing away all the pain is that I have built massive walls to the outside. I also realize that I'm happy with my integrity and refusal to “play the game” or “just take a paycheck” or even put my career above the job. I believe you do a job and you do it the best you can to fulfill the purpose of that job...or don't do it at all. But, I have realized that my anger in the face of all this, while may keep me “honest”, it isn't giving my any satisfaction. So, while I maintain my view, perhaps I can try another...approach that achieves the same result but gives some satisfaction—in essence, create your own game within the game and play by your own rules.

Watching Joseph Campbell's Power of Myth again has both reminded me of some things as well as shown me some others I'd not understood the first time around. When you grow up in a Westernized religion, you become indoctrinated to “postpone” this life for a better one after you die. But when you don't believe in an afterlife there is only this one and we should “wallow” in the joy of it.

But what about the evil? You don't ignore it but you do accept it as being a part of the whole. Joy without pain is like spring without winter. To be alive is to risk the pain, to accept that it exists and realize that it is part and parcel of the entire circle. This doesn't mean you just let it ride...you do what you can to help, minimize, “fix” in whatever fashion one is capable. But to deny it, hide from it, build walls from it, wish it way or...even worse, believe things will be better when you die...is to not truly live. And to not truly live is not worth the sacrifice or cost of saving yourself from the pain. Pain is a part of who we really are just as much as joy is—to deny it is to deny ourselves.

A Thought on Apple

Ok, I'm a big Apple fan...been using Macs since revision C iMac (for those who may know when that is). And there is much written about Apple these days, especially now that they are so successful. And there's plenty of Apple-centric blogs and things (one of the best being Daring Fireball), so I won't go into them all and all the things people are writing about Apple.

And there are many critics of Apple--from the tight control they exert via the App Store to those who still continue to call their products "toys" as they did back in the pre-OS X days.

But in the era of the iPad, that followed the iPhone and the iPod Touch, think about this one simple question:

Where would the computer industry be today if Apple didn't exist?

For all the criticism, right or wrong, tell me one other company, just one, that pushes innovation forward; that has pushed the industry forward.

Tell me one other company that would do this. What other company, a computer maker no less, would go to London to record soundtracks for a piece of consumer software? How Disney-esque--when Walt would send off his animators to all points across the globe to capture their subject matters in drawings before making their movies.

So, while it's easy for critics to dismiss those who claim Apple is the industry's R&D, please tell me one other company that is pushing boundaries the way Apple is. You may not agree with their direction all the time, (though millions do)--oh, and please don't tell me Google-the company that throws shit against the wall to see what sticks and never has the end user in mind--but they have a vision that goes way beyond and outside what the PC industry can even begin to fathom.

Sex and Violence

Through various avenues, the point has been made how often, in movies, the ratings commission seems to be more concerned with sex than with violence. Many point out how ridiculous this is, but I wonder, how much of society would agree with them. Many, I'm afraid.

But why? Why does sex bother people more than violence?

Simply because violence is more acceptable than sex.

But why? Why are we, as a society, more accepting of violence than sex? Or perhaps we should re-phrase; why are we more uptight about sex than violence?

Simply because this country was founded on violence by people who were sexually repressed and religiously uptight. By people who lived in fear and who used violence as a way to over come that fear.

After all, let's be honest, anger, as an emotion is easier than the intimacy that comes with sex.

Some of the Struggles of Being an Atheist

“Ah, mon cher, for anyone who is alone, without God and without a master, the weight of days is dreadful. Hence one must choose a master, God being out of style.” Albert Camus, The Fall

“In order to overcome his sense of inner emptiness and impotence, [man]...chooses an object onto whom he projects all his own human qualities: his love, intelligence, courage, etc. By submitting to this object, he feels in touch with his own qualities; he feels strong, wise, courageous and secure. To lose the object means the danger of losing himself.” Erich Fromm

Fear of Life: “...the fear of the reality of the intense focalization of natural wonder and power; the fear of being overwhelmed by the truth of the universe as it exists,..” Ernest Becker

Getting Older

I have found that the older I'm getting, the more radical my thinking has become, and I certainly no longer give a rat's ass about letting my thoughts be known.

Work has also become a huge boring mass of bullshit. I want to work somewhere that the company's culture is to never ending-ly push the envelope. Companies that believe in what they do to the point where they would never sacrifice quality for the bottom line.

Companies that I admire: Apple, Same Adams--these are product oriented companies--they love what they do, they love making great products--keep doing it and the business will follow. These are companies that push the envelope of what they do, always innovating, always striving to create the best, the greatest. I want to find a company like that and work there.

I'm tired of conservative companies with no vision, full of Dunning-Kruger people. And the sheer lack of accountability; but then, hey, there's none in our Federal government, why should there be anywhere else.

2011 Thoughts: Moving Forward

When I was still married I was pretty damn sure I'd never go back to NJ. The reasons where:

1) The place is too damn expensive

2) Been there, done that

3) Why go back, try something different

So, now it's been six months since I moved into this apartment. Six months to do some serious non-intentional thinking. And I must confess, the thought of heading back to NJ has taken root.

1) There's certainly no reason for me to stay in TX, of all places

2) Now closer to 50 than 40

3) It is what I know

4) I really miss the entire east coast

But, I have kids. Though my daughter heads off to college (please dear girl, look at Rutgers) in a about a year and a half, my son is only 12. Recently, he has expressed interest in moving to NJ-brought up by himself with no influence from me.

Perhaps, my exile won't last the next 7 years, but only 2---but what of his mother?

America's School Systems

Yet, another fucking national debate on schools in America.

And they still have it wrong...here's the jackass quote from the article:

"So, where do we start? With the basics [always back to some fucking basic, PE]. As President Obama has emphasized, the single most important factor determining whether students succeed in school is not the color of their skin or their ZIP code or even their parent's income--it is the quality of their teacher."

[by the way, if you don't think money fucking matters--you're dead wrong]

Here, what's the difference between these two questions:

Do teachers make a difference in childrens' lives?
Can a teacher make a difference in a child's life?

The answer to the first question is, no, and that is as it should be.
The answer to the second is, yes, it's possible.

Of course, we have to go back to actual question and take it more at face value. Let's read that one section again: "...whether students succeed in school..." [my emphasis].

Not succeed in life, but in school. Are those mutually exclusive? I think so. One isn't necessarily predicated on the other.

And of course the article goes on bring up, yet again, that immeasurable of immeasurables in the current public education system: performance. How do you measure a teacher's performance? Isn't it measured by the % of kids in their classes who pass the state mandated standardized tests? After all, why else have mandated standardized tests.

In the work force, most employees leave because of a boss not the company because their boss, basically, sucks at managing them. Now, there are a lot of shitty bosses and while that may determine whether you stay at the company or not, the boss won't determine if you are successful at what you do (politics aside and not using "moving up the ladder" as a measure of success).

All this being said, it doesn't mean that quality teachers aren't needed nor that our educational system needs changes. There are many things that can be done (not in the scope of this post--but go to your local bookstore and head to the Education section and you'll find all kinds of books by authors with all kinds of ideas on how to change it..we certainly are not short of ideas).

Now, I'm going to throw out an idea that I have not really fleshed out yet but I think we really need to re-think the purpose of our public education system. What exactly are we trying to achieve? A better work force? Better citizens? Again, are these mutually exclusive?

It's a great topic of conversation not lacking opinions, but seriously lacking an constructive movement. And the latest "national debate" will be like the others--a bunch of bullshit will be spewed and nothing constructive will be done--oh, I'm sure something will be done but I guarantee it won't be constructive.

Giving A Rat's Ass

My son's teachers' feedback is this:

While somehow he manages to pull good grades out of his ass, he does not do the work or put in the effort.

Now, this is an old problem...and I won't go into the long discussion on the various things his mother has attempted or thinks. But I know, I know exaclty what the problem is...and it's hereditary...he gets it honest, directly down from me and my father (not sure about his father etc...nor am I sure about my mother's side)--but I do know me and my father.

Basically, when we are not interested in something, we just don't give a rat's ass about it.

Neither stick nor carrot will change the behavior, nor adjusting his medication or changing it. I believe he suffers from:
The Jonah Syndrome (Maslow's)--go down to section VII

I believe this trait is hereditary, just as other personality traits can be (including, to give an example, the dislike of organized religion--got that one too--look it up if you don't believe me--you can find a reference to it in Judith Rich Harris' second book No Two Alike.)

But the question does remain and haunts my thoughts--how, how to get him not to suffer like I did growing up and continue to battle? How? Yes, how?

And so, that got me wondering about the Strengths Movement--I need to read the book, but perhaps this might help him. I don't know if I think it's a catch all for all kids but for some, there is value, plus I certainly don't see a down side. I will need to do some investigating.

It's Been Such A Long Time....

I do miss Brad Delp....but it's been a very, very long time since I even looked at this site let alone posted anything...not that it matters as I'm the only one reading it. Yet, it does represent an external "gathering" of an inner dialogue.

I'm pretty sure I now know why my writing has gone by the wayside...

I drink not from mere joy in wine nor to scoff at faith--no, only to forget myself for a moment, that only do I want of intoxication, that alone.
Omar Khayyam

Basically, I just got tired of thinking, even though it's not like you can just "shut it off", it doesn't work that way, but you can "muffle" it; hence no writing.

But then I started talking to this woman, a very intelligent woman and shit, she's got me thinking again. Went back to Becker's and Harris' books and well...here I am...posting for the first time in nearly a year....

The Logic of Everything Happens for A Reason

When people say they believe "everything happens for a reason", what they are NOT sayings is that there are things that happen for no reason. What they really mean when they say it, is that they believe that everything happens for a "divine" or "pre-ordained" reason. And typically, they mean it happens for a reason that, while perhaps not understood, is for a "good" reason. [For the non-divine, everything DOES happen for a reason because everything has a cause and effect.]

Now, if we follow that logic, then anything that happens is, ultimately, for the best, for "me" the believer.

I believe that life is a journey not a destination and, like many journeys, companion travelers come and go along the way. If I believed that "everything happens for a reason" then I would except the coming and going as "pre-ordained" and hence, best or for the betterment of me.

Sometime after my first marriage ended, I realized that we had both ended up in better places than when we started. The question, however, is, had we not come together, would we have ended up, in the same time frame, better or worse than where we started? There is, of course, no way to answer this. But if I believe that "everything happens for a reason" then I should assume that it was better for both of us to have come together and thus, in the end, better for us to have come apart as that also was for the best of both of us. This would mean, then, that my journey and her journey needed to intersect for a time in order to bring us to a better point. Once that point was reached, our paths then led in different directions and we parted to carry on with our own journeys.

So, should I have looked upon my divorce as a bad thing or a good thing? At the time, we saw it as a bad thing and only in hindsight is it perceived differently. But, perhaps I should view all future "negative" events as really positive in that they are there to move me further along my journey. And while the "going away" of people we care about seems to be sad, perhaps we should not look at it that way but should instead rejoice that we have had the time we did together. Certainly, nothing that we know of precludes the possibility of our meeting again sometime in the future--with the assumption that we either 1) are better than when we parted or 2) perhaps are in need of each other again.

Chicago

I've been listening to Chicago's Greatest Hits Vol I--you know "Saturday in the Park" and such and I just wonder why there's nothing like this going on in today's music. Hell, I don't even know if anyone is using horns in their rock let alone filling the void of this kind of great music.

Admittedly, I don't listen to the radio...the iPod has made that unnecessary so I can't say for sure there isn't anything out there, but I do peruse iTunes and can't seem to find anything.

Anyone know something I don't? (besides all that....)

It's been a while...

Yeah, I know...but I been Tweeting...

Blogger

Well, well....guess who's bringing the 21st century to my conservative old school company? That's right, for the project I'm working on, I've convinced them to let me keep everyone updated via a corporate blog. Now that the idea's out of the bag, I've heard others wanting to do the same.

On the down side, our Legal won't let us keep it anonymous...but it's a start....